This past weekend we spent two nights in Flagstaff, AZ and were in our “other home” a term the children call this hotel we stay at. We had made a bed on the floor for the children slept on. In the middle of the night, I hear our daughter calling out “The Smiths” several times and with a lot of expression. It was like, in her dream, she was trying very hard to let someone know that we were the Smiths and the people she was telling didn’t understand her. It broke my heart. I just wanted to hold and comfort her.
How can a 7-year old turn a mans emotions so much? The feelings I felt went all over the place.
Fear – She was alone and trying to explain to others who she was in her dream.
Scared – How would I find her in her dream
Guilt – I had somehow abandoned her in her dream
Guilt – I lived my life in such a horrible example that caused my daughter to have dreams of being alone.
Love – I just wanted to hold her.
Anxiety – I am not doing enough as a parent
Awe – My daughter was so strong in her expressions and not giving up.
So many feelings and emotions. I would say that only a parent would be able to fully understand the pulling of heartstrings that happen in these scenarios. But what is our duty as a father and how do we “react” in times like these is the next round of thoughts I had.
Later on, in the weekend, we were having Sunday breakfast and there was an unhappy child at a nearby table. I didn’t notice it that much child’s but apparently, the child was starting to get to a level that was not satisfactory to the father. I saw the dad intensely get out of his chair and walk around the table. He then very sternly pulled the little girl out of her chair and the two quickly walked out of the restaurant. She starting loudly crying when she was pulled out of her chair.
All I could think of was “disconnected father” and “that was me”. Man, it was not too long ago that that was exactly how I would’ve reacted. “you’re going to change your attitude, I will see to it!” kind of mentality. It was the only thing I had known growing up so I guess it was natural for me to start there. Thankfully I have an angel of a wife who opened my eyes up otherwise but isn’t this the average father figure? The man who fixes their child when things get out of hand?
In my opinion, the child wasn’t getting the communication she needed. There simply was not that connection. As a father, it is so easy to look at the situation as what they are doing wrong according to what our thoughts are on the matter but what if we get on the child’s level. It is then pretty simple.
My son and I are a perfect example of this. He and I used to but heads and I originally thought that I had to win. That was my responsibility as a father, show him my way… After a little observation, it became apparent that nothing successful was happening throughout that process. I then got to his level and wow, he just wanted to be heard. His sock was a big deal to him. He wanted the lego to look like so. In his world life was crumbling and I was ignoring it. I was turning his situation to me and not even looking at what was causing the meltdown.
As the father, we are the strongest person our children look up to yet how do we define strength? Perhaps the very best example we can live for them is being open and vulnerable. Some of the best conversations I’ve had with my son is when I am on his level and tell him that I don’t know, but I’m there with him. He feels me in his corner and that is all he really needs. His dad is by his side, on the same page.
How often do our children get us in their corner is another thought and feeling I had during the “smiths” episode. It is a question, that brings with it a powerful reminder, I feel I get too often from my daughter – dad, are you going to be home tomorrow? I don’t like the disconnect that she shows me exist between work and family. It is one of the things I am changing now but sadly enough it is taking a few months. Leaving home and going to work. It seems that in a child’s viewpoint we stop living and go to work, which sadly enough can be too true.
Our children need our time. Their life is growing and expanding every day. On the ride home, she had my phone and was taking pictures and videos. She did not care as to how her hair was or what others might think of the angle, rather was gleefully capturing her view of beauty. Pictures of the scenery while driving, video of people she holds dear, anything she felt was amazing. No fear of judgment, just awe, and beauty. It was humbling to me. They are perfect. They are completely present. Right NOW is their world.
We as fathers are always thinking of the next moments while missing what is right now. The examples and lessons my children have shown and taught me tell me that they are the perfect way for us to live.
Us showing them what they show us.